My Fig Tree and Journey

To understand some of this post you need to read the below quote as I make many references to it.  

“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”

-          Sylvia Plath from The Bell Jar

Choosing a fig is something I struggle a lot more in my life than I realized. Not only which fig to choose in a life decision, but here in Italy decisions on my next adventure.  To the point that some of these adventures that been tainted with the fear of missing out on a different adventure.  Where to go on my week off? Dolomites, Tuscany, Germany, Seaside, Sicily.  I want to do it all but I cannot! This does not seem like a problem because they are ALL good choices, but I make it a bigger deal than it has to be trying to see if I can do ALL of them in a week. That is nuts! And I know that, so then I have to make a choice to leave one or more behind.  The anxiety about the adventure I choose not to do rather than looking forward to the one I have before me plagues me. Thursday night into late Friday morning I sat under my tree letting my figs for the Friday die. A decision  between going back to the beach of Livorno to maybe make friends or going to Venice where all Italians say I MUST see before I leave. It is just for Friday plans, but the decision between these two figs haunted me. Both figs sounded pretty awesome, but for me it was paralyzing. Jason, Christine, and Yilmaz provided much needed love, gentle nudging, and advice. They did not make the decision for me but advice on how to process all that was racing in my mind.  And remind me that any fig right now is not a bad choice so just pluck one! In the end I flipped a coin and in the results my gut finally spoke to me. So I packed a small bag for Venice. Crazy thing is the coin told me to go to Livorno, but the moment I saw the side for Livorno my gut sank.  It sank not because I did not want to go to Livorno, in fact I really wanted to go to Livorno more than Venice. But Livorno was 4 hours one way, so it meant driving 4 hours Friday, 4 hours back on Saturday, and 3 hours on Sunday to start my vacation in the Dolomites.  My gut did NOT want to drive. So Venice bound I was.

I was not particularly impressed with Venice but I kinda knew that before going. As my wise twin told me yesterday sometimes the journey is not about the destination. Not the physical journey to the destination but the emotional one getting there. It was not about seeing Venice but the process that got me there. The journey of recognizing my struggles and growing from them. The Venice journey helped me identify my internal battle to just choose a fig! Something that I did not realize had such a strong grip on how I make decisions or how it disables me from making a decision at all.  Something that I will need to work hard not only to identify it but overcome it if I want to struggle less internally and be content with the choices I do make. 

While in Venice I came across one of the many churches. This church was different than all other churches I have witnessed. Typically churches here in Italy have their doors closed. On this day there was a random building with open doors and people sitting inside that caught my attention.  My curiosity wanted to know what was inside. It was not until I stepped inside the dark room I realized I was in a church. It was ordinary but I had an urge to sit with those inside.  So there I sat on one of the wooden pews staring forward at the….statue….. It was more like a 3-D painting of the cross where the rocks beneath it jetting out from the walls of the church.  It was different from any other sculpture I have seen in a church. I could not have been staring at it long, but all of a sudden…….Silence. Peace. Relief inside my head. No thoughts not even the sculpture in front of me could peer inside my brain. No emotion sad, happy, alone, giddy were present at this moment. Every noise in my head vanished and a few tears escaped my eyes. It did not last long but it was a momentary truce from the war inside me. Immediately following the silence, before the whispers telling me what to do grew back its strength, I did something I have not done in a long time. For the first time in many years I prayed. I prayed for God to help me find my way in my thoughts. To process them to truly allow myself to embrace them. All of them. Before the noise inside me could take over, I rose from the pew.  I did not want to taint this blessed moment with my raging battle.  I continued wandering Venice allowing my curiosity to dim my thoughts and enjoy the rest of this journey at this destination.

I came to Italy thinking it was my version of Eat Pray Love.  But I forgot that Elizabeth Gilbert only ate in Italy.  The praying and love in her process were elsewhere. So my version is Eat Lift Journey.  I have done a lot of eating and frankly kinda tired of dining out.  I have been lifting to mask my issues.  I will continue to lift, because this is part of me that I love. But I have to stop hiding behind it.  Now I want the journey to be part of the experience for every destination. Today’s destination was anything but adventurous. However I am OKAY that this is how I am CHOOSING to spend my day, my fig. I did not want to try to see all of Italy in a day. I wanted to let myself experience a Saturday that would be similar to what I would do at home. I went to the gym, showered, bought food, and packed for the Dolomites and Germany. And to my surprise throughout all of these actions I am not having an internal duel in my head.  Instead I am listening rather fighting myself. I am asking myself questions, pronouncing self-revelations, and content with being alone in today’s journey. Perhaps because I was content with my decision of doing nothing exploratory allowed me to put down my shields and hear my inner self. Or maybe God is helping me fulfill my prayer.  Whatever it is from this point on I need to remember THIS is the part of Italy that will help me grow and live a healthier more satisfied life.  The places I see are beautiful memories and I will cherish these wonderful adventures. But making this journey part of the overall Italian experience is what will fulfill me as a person. Help my soul match my stunning looks and charm!  Had to end this in a laugh!