This is Me.......Again

Italy has been full of as many struggles as adventures.  Around February of last year I had a different internal struggle with my marriage. What I am going through now feels eerily similar.  And the process of these life crisis-es have similarities as well.  First similarity is the war mentally and emotionally.  Second guessing everything I do to the point there is a battle in my head. A battle between thoughts: Do I do this or that? Doubting myself in this lift. Then the rainbow of emotions from ecstatically happy, calm, and downright sad. Second is I used Crossfit as a band aid because it put a smile on my face and cleared my head giving me a couple of hours of escape from myself.  I am doing this again, because it is my flight response that will instantly hush my thoughts. I would feel great sometimes for a few days or hours but after a while it was not enough and the self-inflicted daggers inside me started oozing out to the surface. So here I am repeating history and I have reached the point that I have to face myself. Another similarity is loneliness.  Last time it was my friends I confided in and I am so grateful they were there. They did hold me up and fill some of the void, but not all of it. I still kept a lot of things to myself to drown alone and scared. But more importantly the last time I shut my best friend and my family out. I cannot do that again nor do I want to. I have been more vocal through phone calls and texting.  This has really helped me, but there several time zones and at least one ocean between my friends and family, so that emptiness seems inevitable.

Christine mentioned yesterday that I should journal this part of Italy which is so much more important than my blog. Writing this, physically seeing my words is part of the process.  I want share my process with my family and a few close friends. Whether or not you read it, it is my way of trying to bring my loved ones closer to me. To share my struggles to share my true self to you all.  Everyone processes life differently.  I do not have any expectations from anyone I just want to share my process. I do not know how often I will write. Hahaha not going to put any pressure on myself to write! But I will be writing this blog to help me through the remainder of this trip.  Perhaps I will keep writing it afterwards. Only time will tell.

So this is me…..again!